WHO IS VICKIE?
July 13, 2010
Tuesday
I am putting my journal to rest ...I have started a new blog here on my site...giggles
I have made new changes in my life and hope you will
be apart of these changes...hope to see you all ....
June 26, 2010
Saturday
I know I am back again, lol...NEW song added to my playlist...The Past by Sevendust...
I love it! I'm finally free from my misery...life is awesome & I will live each day as if it were my last....I know when my day comes I will be remembered and loved by many!
I have added a new set of photo's from
our family vacation to Ocean City MD..
Be aware I still have pictures to add from Wyatt's babyshower...
Amber has yet to give me permission to add her pics...lol
Keep watch for the KISS concert photo's....
Jeff has a HUGE collection of KISS and I get to enjoy the special
treatment he recieves so I am very much looking forward
to be apart of this concert with great company...I am so excited...can ya tell?
I will share a few of his pics from previous concerts he has attended..
I know you kISS fans will appreciate what I share...smiles
Than a month after my concert I am off to Ocean City again with my adult children...
We plan to have so much FUN!
I won't ever get drunk again so no worry for me trying to get back to my room safe...
lol..I will take tons of pics to share...heh heh heh
Soon after I return I am heading back to Ocean City with Jeff...it is a very busy summer considering I have my Cali trip...giggles
Anyhow, I have tons to add to my album so stay tune..till than be safe & god bless
Vickie
June 24, 2010
My May & June, Monthly Blog Wrap Up; My*Thoughts
Boy do I have a lot to tell...I want to apologise for not wrapping
up the month of May so grab a cup of tea and get ready
to read a long one...Yesterday I wrote a little about what
is to come so take a peek below of yesterdays date for things
happening that there is no need to repeat again today..
I had so much going on with my emotions moving in all directions...
On May 31, my cookie died...He was more to me than just a fish...
I cared for him for 10 years...He was a part of my family and I will miss him dearly...
I will forever feel the guilt of his death but I know I will
be forgiven since I have learned a hard lesson and most of all,
I own up to responsibilty.
I am very satisified to be where I am today...I was faced with some serious
health issues in May and finally recieved my results on June 17th...
during this time as I waited for the results, I had many thoughts running through my mind..I thought if I am dying I have many things I NEED to do
before I leave this earth...I believe in an afterlife...
I also believe that in some way we are accountable for our actions
and we all will be judged on judgement day......
first let me say the tumors removed were benign, thank god...
When ure faced with life threatening news you see things in a different light...ure emotions run wild...I think learning to embrace the advent
of death helps you deal with the value of life..
I think some of the most compelling arguments for an afterlife are found in the experiences of those close to death...
I forget the name right now but a few years ago a very unusual
book about death came out... It was written by primarily
one hospice nurse, but the book includes contributions from many other nurses..
dozens I think..as well...
On one point made by the authors, the short of it is that dying
people often see and speak with "people" from the beyond...
Often specific information is given to the dying that proves that these are not just hallucinations if the stories are to be believed of course... FTR, I do believe!
My grandma Minnie, Scott's grandmother and my daughter's gram, by all accounts, nearly every day before she left us an angel visited, she kept talking about Scottie,
thats Amber's dad, my childhood sweetheart...
Scott talked with her, and gave her comfort, and I believe it helped to relieve her pain. Grandma gave very detailed descriptions of their
conversations speaking out loud as she was talking with her baby boy...
Grams raised Scott since he was 2 weeks old...I miss her and Scott so much and I believe one day we shall reunite...continuing on,
I was struck by one of the stories from the book.. A dying woman would see a cat outside of her room... Every day she would see and call the invisible cat and
try to coax it closer to her bed... Every day the cat apparently came closer
and closer... The day she thought the cat had finally jumped onto the bed and
sat in her lap, she died... She died while peacefully petting the cat...
One more comment on the book that I mentioned the thesis of the book is most striking... What are the overall conclusions and perceptions of death
from these caring, dedicated people who have seen more death than probably anyone else alive? The pain and suffering can be terrible, but in the very end death
is often very peaceful and even beautiful...
I still remember the exact quote "Whatever you do, don't miss ure own death"... If at all possible one should try to remain awake and aware until the very end...
Quite a striking thesis!
I will try to find the name of that book again.... I am drawing a blank but it sold quite well for a time... It might even be "Don't Miss ure Own Death" or something similar...In any case, I feel so alive... I am not going anywhere as of yet...
I feel as if I am blessed to be here longer and cherish the moments I recieve with my love ones...I will never take my life for granted...If you take life for granted,
you live ure life without appreciating it, as if it will never end...
It's important to keep ure priorities straight!
Speaking of priorities...
Today is the last time you will see anything written about my past with Ron.
Hate eats him up and I want NO part of his imaturity nor lack of responsibilty!
I just didn't want to see his true color nor did I want to face the reality that
I was living a lie. I have moved on to a brighter and happier future...
Life truly is what we make of it, Always has been, always will be!
The truth is that happiness can only be found within what is.. just as it is...
You have to learn to appreciate not the things outside ureself that you have..
but the pervasive thing that you have.. which is what you are...You are life....
You are awareness in all forms... You are everything that exists..
all that has ever existed...and all that will ever exist...
You are not only that body and the history of what that body has experienced...
Love this moment of existence.... Cherish the breath moving in and out of your lungs and the light glowing within in you..Feel yourself immersed in an endless ocean of love, and know that loving ureself opens doors for you to be loved
in return and to love another..Allow ureself to forgive....
Be who you are with both courage and humility!
May the beauty within all things reveal itself to you within every moment... May ure heart open wide to receive the grace that is always offered and waiting for ure embrace... May all the love you have the potential to give, find
itself expressed and received... May you know perfect love within and around you.... May you be well!
In summary.. life is good and I intend to keep it that way as a mental decision...regardless of the exact contents of my experience...
But I also intend to make a real effort each day to fill the day with as many fun experiences as I can reasonably come up with... Remember life is what you make it...
I've decided to make mine fuller and that does take some effort....smiles..I wish you all good health...may god bless each and every one of you
Peace,
Vickie
June 23, 2010
Wednesday
Hello! I hope you all had a great weekend. I spent mine at the ocean.
I’d like to thank you all again for the incredible support you’ve
given me these past few months regarding some of the most difficult things
I’ve gone through. And knowing that you’ve all got my back in such
an incredible way is actually driving me to take more risks in my life.
I’m emboldened by the freedom that comes with putting myself out there
and feeling accepted as I am. The fact that my openness and honesty might
help others also feels incredibly rewarding. So thank you.... Just so you know,
if you haven't notice yet, a few weeks ago I deleted my facebook account and more in likely won't be back to MYB or myspace this year or EVER...I recieved my wake up call when I thought my life would end early...I rather enjoy life by living it OFFLINE and Avoiding certain peoples drama makes life so much better...anyhowzer
This past month has been a very trying month. First I best tell ya I am happy to announce that my biopsy results are negative. I got through the surgery with no pain meds. I knew
I didn't need them nasty things and I am a fighter, I stayed focused and I won in the end...go me
Thank you Jeff, Philip and all of my friends and family for getting me through the toughest and most dreadful moment in my life. I sure do have a strong circle surrounding me, thats for sure. Some of the best things I’ve discovered in life have been a result of changing the way I see things. This experience has open my eyes, heart and soul. I want to see my grandson's grow up and have a family of their own. Watch my daughters marry the men in their life that has been apart of them for almost 4 yrs. In my mind, I was ready to be their guide angel if the good lord was ready to give me my wings. Now with me knowing it is not my time, it has given me a chance to see things for what it is. Life is toooo short and I promise to NEVER waste another minute on anything but my happiness.
When you change the way you see things, the things you see change. To me that’s what life is all about, changing, learning, discovering. I am so looking forward to what the future holds for me.
With that in mind,
I just returned home from a wonderful trip to Ocean City. My daughter Amber, her soon to be hubby and my three grandson's joined me for three days in the sun. The ocean is so beautiful. it is sure my favorite place to be...check out the photo's here
It was one of the most amazing trips ever in Ocean City. Seeing things through my grandbabies eyes was such an inspiration of life. I can honestly say this was the BEST trip OF ALL & any trip I ever taken to OC.
I will always hold these memories close to my heart.
I believe the ocean is breathtaking in its beauty. I love everything about the ocean.
The smell, the taste of salt on my lips. The feeling of sand between my toes.
The sound of the ocean waves crashing. The sun beaming down on my face.
It is heaven to me and I feel as if I am in heaven with each moment I spend soaking up the ocean view. This was a fun trip, mostly spent enjoying the areas, and enjoying precious time with my family. I was talking to Philip on the phone when I notice dolphins playing close to shore...those are the moments I dare to ever forget.
Some of you know I have finally closed the most recent chapter in my life.
It took me 4 months to remove all the photos and personal things around my house.
It was hard to let go what I thought was love, in reality it was the opposite with lies
and pain. I came to the conclusion that the past 3 years of my life was a learning experience for me, not for them.
I am thrilled that I can now give my heart, body, soul and whole heart to someone who will appreciate me and my love because I'm like most people I want a better future,
a life full of experiences that follows with lots of bliss!
I so deserve the respect I give...smiles..my pain in life is not in vain but a lesson to my girls to NEVER allow anyone betray ure trust or use ure kindness as ure weakness. Demand respect and accept nothing less! Ure happiness is what is MOST important.
I can tell you true love is sharing with someone who
would never hurt you in ANY way!
With that said, let's move on,
My dearest friend Jeff Lehew whom I known since my early teen years has surprised me with 2 tickets, second row seats to the KISS concert located in Hershey for an early birthday present. Hope to see some of you there on July 31, 2010...You see me YOU BEST GET MY ATTENTION...heh heh heh ... I am so blessed to be stressed..smiles!
I just want to say thank you Jeff for always being a good friend to me through out these years. Rather you know it or not you have helped me with my life journey and with my most recent breakup you truly were there for me when I needed you most. I appreciate all that you do for me and I am looking forward to having many more years of memories. You have always given me the upmost respect and stood by me no matter what path I chose to take, I thank you for being a true friend to me all these years. I promise you I would never allow anyone to tell me who I can or can not be friends with and I will keep my word.
I am so looking forward to the KISS concert and our Ocean City trip in September. You always know how to make me smile. Your cookie is ready to let loose...biggest smiles!
Hope all is well and I do wish everyone a happy healthy life..oh that reminds me...I am back on track with my healthy self...I feel great in my skin. I can finally see my curves again...and damn I am sexy...28 pounds gone...heh heh heh
God bless and peace to all
much love, Vickie
May 23, 2010
Sunday
It occurred to me this morning that nobody ever talks about astrology.
I bought a program years ago that I really didn’t put my time and energy into which found a place on my desk that just collect dust over the past few years…I recently have had a huge interest in astrology to help others if that is at all possible …the feed back I recieved makes me believe so
Conway Twitty, Barry Gibb, Gloria Estefan and Yvonne DeCarlo not only share the same sign with me, but also the same birthday….so awesome to think that I have something in common with them…heh heh heh it makes me smile…
Today caught me off guard…
During my conversation with my daughter Amber today I found myself feeling a bit torn in the thought that my Adley who is my heart shares the same Life and Attitude number as my recent ex…I cried, literally…
Once I gathered my thoughts I realize I am actually feeling that the thought of my grandson growing up as a person who hurt me so deeply that I witnessed and made me feel is unable to cope with life experience as an adult in a way that should be healthy and fulfilling…did that even make sense? Instead it led to destructive behavior toward himself and others... I am unable to accept that as Adley's future, as Adley is apart of me and I am nothing in compare to that …
I don’t mean that in any negative way what so ever…it is so not my intentions…believe me I had to experience a relationship with my ex to understand its reason for his actions involved…I would rather die and be Adley’s spiritual guide to avoid him to accept his life as a way to live or exist in this world…That is torture for me to think it as I know it would be for him to live it!…
It comforts me to know I gave my daughters the tools to handle themselves in ANY situation and I feel confident enough to know I did my job well in their upbringing by setting a good example for them to follow… I didn’t raise Amber to hate or carry hate within her…I don’t want her to hurt people because she is hurting nor do I want my grandchildren to follow…I feel she will not over indulge or make excuses for my grandchildren’s actions…she will allow them to be the individuals they are meant to be without over looking them to take on their responsibility and just owning up to having consequence that lead to their actions…I am not going to worry about Adley’s future because in doing so I am forgetting who raised his mother. I am a proud Mommie in deed!
I must remember that both of my girls have been with their spouse for many years without producing a destructive abusive behaviors within their relationships…that is a good sign that my grandchildren will not be affected and in that thought alone I can sleep knowing all my babies have a great start in living their life to it’s fullest!
Anywho I best move on before you fall asleep,
I can't remember the last time anyone asked me what my sign was. I also can't remember the last time I heard anyone say, "Oh, she's a Virgo... no wonder she is blah blah…I will leave it up to you to complete my sentence."
I've always thought that astrology was a rather silly philosophy, even though I will freely admit that I don't know anything about the inner workings of the ancient practice… I never really cared enough to put thought into it let alone making time to understand it….
I am so intrigued to learn more about numerology readings since I have done about 80 readings for my MYB friends these past few days…It has given me a need to give more of my time and has spark of interest to me to give a second look…The truth in the feed back has over whelmed me… If interested in receiving a reading, just add ure Month, Day and Year in my chatter, or comment below, if you want it private, just include “private” when adding ure birthday information…. to read more go to myyearbook.com/cross33heart
The notion that the day you were born somehow influences personality traits seems far fetched. Guess what, I am a believer …scary to think there is truth in reading my own life just by my numbers…Only those who know me in my real world will know truth in the words that follow, actually, many of you have been apart of me in my internet world for MANY years and truly know me on a personal level, so I take that back…I have included the first few pages of my study so far, comments are welcome if you wish to respond in public view…
My Life Path,
Your life path number is number 1ONES
You have a great faith in yourself that often achieves result despite great odds ... yet at the same time, has you often accused of having an enormous ego. However, in your defense, it is that enormous ego that gives you the daring and courage to change everybody's life for the better.
You have probably been born into one of two life paths. Either you have been born into wealth and privilege and coddled by lucky circumstances into becoming "great" in some way or you are thriving despite great challenges such as poverty and war. The number 1 is the number of the hero and this is why you find many disabled as well as super achievers (such as military leaders and business magnates) born under this life path number.
You are also usually blessed with good health, vitality and endless inspiration. Your number is very connected with the divine and you often feel especially connected to God or your subconscious mind. However, as you are such an individualist, this insistence on listening to your hunches often make you appear irrational or even insane to others, that is, until the direction of your gut instincts pays off and all benefit.
Although you are capable of rising to great heights when it comes to career or athletics, you are also capable of great falls. However, as you are also an innovative and resourceful individual you have the uncanny ability to "make lemons out of lemonade" and start again from scratch.
Despite your main personally blessing, you might also feel as if you face more challenges or obstacles in life than others do. Karmically, many number 1's spend their early years learning not to be dependent on others as fate throws difficult relationships and situations their way. If you feel cursed or that you have a bad luck, that is very characteristic of number ones whose life lessons are usually about "letting go", "releasing control" and "overcoming great odds."
As a number 1 you may also need to watch a tendency towards arrogance or over confidence. Many number ones stumble early in life because they have a habit of biting off more than they can chew. Often you are perceived as odd, controlling or self-centered by others. However often these are traits are forgiven as others also recognize that your talents outshine those of the ordinary mortal.
Of all the numbers, you are the one that values individuality, privacy and ethics more than anything. This is why so many of you become business, political and spiritual leaders. You tend to have faith in yourself, more than you do others, and make a better leader than a team player. You are best suited to occupations that allow you to work on your own or be the big boss.
Being a number 1, you are also likely to achieve some measure of fame in your life. This is because you are destined to be "the one that is loved by all" as opposed to "the one that is loved by one other." It sometimes takes number ones a lifetime to realize that being adored by many is not such a bad thing.
My Expression Number
Your Expression - which describes your potential natural talents and abilities - works out to be a 6.
You are a peace loving, harmonious individual who is a natural born diplomat. You detest conflict and will bend over backwards to make others happy. The ultimate height of your personal self expression is healing. Nothing gives you more satisfaction then knowing you have corrected a situation that was whirling out of balance.
You express who you are by caring for others. This is why so many sixes are doctors, healers, counselors, psychologists, policeman and therapists. Your philosophy usually relates to the idea that the world can be healed of all its ills if we heal one person at a time.
You have a brilliant, creative mind and many different talents but chances are you will forsake a career in the limelight to work in humble, yet helpful occupations. You are quite philosophical and believe that one should sacrifice oneself for the good of all.
You excel at making others feel good about themselves and have the ability to instill new hope in lost hearts with a kind touch or wise words. You are also a very affectionate person and comfort others with your easygoing nature. Others are attracted by your empathy and your friends often seek you out for advice.
You make a wonderful parent and teacher and have a way with children. At some point in your life you may find yourself coaching, mentoring or adopting a child or a teenager.
You are naturally full of vitality and enthusiasm. You exude a personal charisma that makes members of the opposite sex consider you to be a "catch." Once you are caught you are usually loyal to that one person for your entire life.
Honesty and openness is very important in your relationships and if someone breaches your trust you are not likely to speak to them ever again. You consider yourself to be a very ethical and moral individual and are deeply pained by any situation that falls into a moral gray area.
You are also deeply spiritual and have a great faith in a higher power. However when that power seems to let you down you have the power to spiral down into a deep depression. As you are all about balance, you are a nightmare to be with when life knocks you out of balance. You may express your bitterness at being let down by God with addiction, codependent or destructive behaviors.
Sometimes you may also mistakenly believe that your mission on earth is to set things right. This can lead to a fanatical need to prove a point or get revenge on the individuals or organizations that you think are causing the disharmony for yourself and others in the first place. Many activists and cult leaders are number 6's who have succumbed to this kind of black and white thinking.
On a less extreme level, your concern for others may be perceived as interfering or meddling as you just can't help yourself when it comes to helping others. One of your life challenges is to let others make their own mistakes rather than trying to save them from themselves.
You often dress conservatively and are humble in your appearance. This is because you spend so much time focusing on others rather than yourself. Ironically, you may be good at caring for others but not so good at caring for yourself. If you are a six it is important for you to take time out to pamper yourself every now and then as your tendency to overwork yourself can lead to health problems in the future.
My Soul Urge
Your soul urge is to nurture and take care of others. You love people and believe the greatest expression of your inner divinity is through teaching and guidance. Many of you are very maternal or paternal at an early age and are often regulated, by default to the role of advisor or therapist in your social life.
Unfortunately your willingness to take on other people's burdens threatens your romantic relationships. This is because you are often perceived as a friend or a helper rather than as an object of desire. The result is that many sixes end up with broken hearts simply because others simply could not recognize their empathy as being an expression of love and desire.
As you are a very sensitive and compassionate person you tend to take things very personally. When others let you down you have a tendency to retreat from society and nurse your wounds. Often when a six decides to play the victim in a relationship he or she is met with very little sympathy or help. This is ironic as sixes are so eager to help others and comfort them when they are down and out. The cosmos presents you with this type of situation so that you are forced to heal yourself with the same type of focus and devotion that you use to heal others.
If you feel yourself succumbing to a tendency to isolate yourself or find yourself succumbing to addiction or depression your best course of action is to forget about yourself entirely and go out and make an effort to help someone less fortunate than you. This teaches you to be helpful to people you are not attracted to as sixes have a way of only making themselves useful to individuals that they find attractive or desire.
The very highest calling of your soul urge number is to renounce sex and relationships altogether and devote your life to a religious or spiritual practice.
I have been struggling with the thoughts of a few of you who are living with a hard breakup or close to ending ure relationship with ure spouse…My heart goes out to each of you because I felt that pain and wish it on NO ONE …I just want to say one thing to all three of you…Before you step out or end things, make sure it is something that he does not want to fix or something you feel can’t be fixed…emotions change you through these trying moments, be sincere and try ure best to be strong.…just remember respect should be given both ways and by accepting less you are settling for less than what you deserve, that is just my opinion…I am proud of one person who has stood up and demanded just that…It was something that I never expected from you but rather if you stay or go just know as I said to you, I am walking with you no matter what path you decide to take…it is ure journey after all and not my place to tell you otherwise…that has always been my respect to you as ure friend…
I shall end this long and daring entry with a happier thought …I do pray above that the good lord will give me time to at least enjoy a memorable vacation with my daughters and one day my son in laws for a fun and ever lasting unforgettable moments soaking up the sun and breathing the ocean air…My soul will be free at that very moment
Also I best update you on my surgery…They have scheduled me to come in on May 26 for a week before surgery appointment and June 2 in the wee am I am scheduled to remove the 3 tumors for biopsy….I am not looking forward to it but again there was a lot of things in my life I did not look forward to and I was forced to accept and move on…giggles
With that thought I wish you all well and god bless
Vickie
May 17, 2010
Monday
I have a few things I like to shout out... First allow me to clear the air for my own sanity…I am so not the type of person to air someone dirty laundry so names will not be used but ya know who you are….
Listen up cause I know your reading, the following goes out to someone who is very close inside my circle...
We had a few words to say the last time we spoke and you know I only want what is best for you because I love you…
I understand when your confused and just lost within ureself… You have known me for many years and I would never judge or belittle you for ure decisions…I back you up 100% no matter what road you decide to go down…I understand it is all about experiencing life and learning from the path you decide to take….
I feel deep down we often have the answers to our problems right in front of us...The issue is, we tend not to like to taste the medicine we know we have to take in order to make the problem go away… And so we live in this perpetual state of deciding whether we want to keep the problem or take our medicine and be done with it…Such is the situation in ure life…
When you are miserable in a relationship, there are a couple of things that you need to do, if you want to gain an HONEST perspective on your situation… First you need to pull back and look at the situation based on FACTS (cause and affect) and not confuse the image with the poison of "love" which often derails our reasoning... So let's examine cause and affect here...
You are a person who is, by ure own definition, emotionally insecure and not well adapted to following a lifestyle that promotes discipline and self control…For reasons, I am not sure about, you have selected to live with someone who, by your definition, conflicts directly with those shortcomings…
There is NO trust in you, They hide away a lot of their actions in their life, and they promote the idea that ure emotions are not relevant enough for them to bother interpreting for the sake of the relationship...
Now, outside of suggesting ure a masochist and enjoy living in pain, I don't see any common ground between the two of you which suggests you guys have a foundation to make this relationship work…Just my opinion…
It sounds very much like your holding the relationship together on some flimsy notion that "love" has something to do with this concoction of misery… First order of business in relationships…
If you do not have trust, you have NOTHING. And I do mean NOTHING…. Trust is the foundation from which all meaningful relationships grow. Without it, the only quality that thrives is resentment and distrust…
Your currently living in a relationship which promotes convenience away from other problems you may have in ure life…
Did you choose to live with them because you had problems at home or was this a snap decision because it sounded good? Either way it does not sound like two people commit to one another, so much as two people tolerating each other…Your both very young and your feelings, no matter how intense, are NOT indicative of what love is about…
What you will find later in life is that love works it's best magic when hard times come your way… That is what gives you tolerance, endurance, TRUST, and a belief that the two of you can resolve anything if the two of you work together, not apart…
If ure serious about wanting this to work, then both of you need to get on the same page and start supporting one another. This means be there for each other. YOU wanting it is not enough….
You saying you won't respond to suggestions it may not work is ure immaturity leading you off the tracks...again. So if you want this to work, it will take the two of you straightening ure issues out TOGETHER. If they can't trust you and you want to throw up your arms and say, " I'm just a spoiled child, deal with it," then ure immaturity is contributing to the problem and may suggest why they react the way they do….It's all about accountability…
You want them to be better, then you need to improve also… And the two of you need to show each other you can work together and not apart…
If you start there, perhaps you can build a layer of trust and if that can occur, then ure relationship has a good starting point to regain it's footing… If you take that course of action, there is hope it can work out…I really do wish you the best!
Most run and hide or make front of who they really are…Kudos to you for recognizing and admitting your emotions … that is the key to having a healthy mind and soul which leads to happiness and fulfilling future …
Now let’s move on to a subject that is directed to someone who was never in my circle but very close to the outer layer of my circle…keep in mind I have no need to mention names…
I strongly feel this person outside of my circle is unstable, desperate to have ANY man on her arm and just her words alone is clear she needs professional help, or at least a support group to help her understand her actions and maybe leading her to resolve her mental state that is leading her to a dream world… I can only come to the conclusion people have issues letting go of the past that interferes with their future…
…Just a reminder, just by starting a new present and looking ahead toward the future will free ure soul…
We all have experienced a failed relationship… Emotional baggage occurs when we experience a hurt within a relationship and that hurt is not resolved or dealt with… We then internalize those negative feelings and develop fears that we may or may not be aware of…
When we then go onto the next relationship, these same fears and negative emotions trigger negative or irrational thoughts and behaviors within us…. These behaviors then have a negative impact on the new relationship…. As I have already been a witness to…
Instead of protecting you from having the original hurtful experience repeat itself, these behaviors can actually cause that experience to recur time and time again… The fears and hurt feelings only then grow and now become justified within ure own mind as correct...This creates a cycle that you then feel unable to escape from in your romantic life...I can see this just through ure actions…
An ongoing problem in America today is the typical person’s inability to deal with their emotions on their own….Depression, anxiety, and various other psychological problems can result from not handling potentially volatile emotional situations in the correct way…Work, money, relationship and social problems all drive people to the brink of insanity in today’s world…I find myself discovering that it may be best to close ure computer and pick up the phone and make an appointment to allow the healing to begin…that’s all I’m saying, enough of MY energy was wastefully given to you on this subject alone…
you can never be me and you will never compare to who I am…so wake up and smell the reality! ….peace out with big smiles…giggles
May 10, 2010
Monday
I notice that MYB does not store all the questions that are
ask ... I wanted to have a copy of all my answers so to read past answers click above.
May 9, 2010
Sunday
First, let me say this to all the Mothers, HAPPY MOMMIE DAY...smiles
I was inspired to write in my journal today because of a blog post that has hit a nerve or two within me... I'm always trying to help someone...Many people cross my path whom have unresolved issues and it's weird b/c I have already been down that road or have some sort of knowledge that I learned from another...we are human...I want to share my comment to her with you since it is public...again, just trying to pass on my experience to others...feel free to comment ...smiles...;0-)
Hello Beautiful,
I thought I’d give my two cents...first off trusting strangers is dicey especially if you haven't had experience with the internet world. I have been on these sites basically since they first were introduced to the public...they are in no way, in my opinion, a place to find a true love relationship...IMO you need to recognize that the only way to stay truly safe in a dating situation is to not date, period! There are always risks in dating, especially when you date strangers (blind dates, first dates and cyber-dates).
A lesson from my past leads me to these thoughts as well as being convinced I should be vigilant about knowing a person for MANY YEARS before I would even think about bringing them into my real world…you will find many perverts and most are just looking for a one night stand to give their sex life a little boost without their women or man knowing about their affairs…so anyhow...the internet has become the easiest way for many to cheat and also most important, the internet world for most is just that, a different world where they can be anyone and anything they wish to be…more like an escape from their reality…don’t get me wrong…you do have good people out there BUT it is like finding a needle in a hay stack!…
No matter how net wise you think you are, you need to remain cautious! I am 38, and have had internet experience for a very long time…In the Spring of 1993 I started on America Online, back when it was 20 dollars and 6.95 an hour. I figured that I was safe and anonymous and I could chat with people from all over and be protected...WRONG!
In 1993 I was 21 years old, and pretty naive about everything as the internet goes. I believed when people told me things, and believed them to be the truth. I talked to many people and figured all were my friends, until the day when I met a friend and we got married a few years later…He took me for my money and he used me for whatever his reasons were and hurt me deeply. I didn’t realize his intentions until AFTER we married! We are still friends today, b/c I can forgive, but I can never forget….(Forgiving is ure first step to healing) I have learned many things with just that experience. He said to me a few months back he wished for us to be together again, that he was the fool! I have learned to never go backwards ALWAYS move forward! I believe the internet world is not a place to find true love, IMHO, unless you’re going through a dating service and with that you still need to be careful.
The bottom line is: meeting people online is great, as long as you are safe and cautious about how you go about it! Example: I have been talking to a friend Phil whom I thought was someone else that I've known for years...I made an honest mistake and thought Phil was the same person I've known for many years...that mistake became a blessing and in the end, it turns out, wrong person but I find he is a true friend indeed...I believe everything happens for a reason and we were meant to be friends...fate or whatever you want to call it brought us together…I am blessed to have good people in my circle…anywho
Whether you are 10 or 60, a man or a woman, you need to be safe when it comes to meeting people off the internet. Always remember, on the internet, you can be whoever you want to be, but so can the other person! …
Loralie, MYB is a playground for many…Most take this site serious…I wish I knew why because I see it as a playground or more like a meat market that I have no interest in setting myself up for heartache.…I only talk to people on my chatter…I ignore my inbox for a few reasons …Chatter allows me to get to know my peeps in the public view…I somehow eliminate the perves and gain to know real people at face value… I am a black VIP member so I can send out mass stickers, flirts etc. My flirts and all my mass sends are only given for L$ to my friends…nothing more than that….After receiving many unwanted offers, I eventually had to add a reminder for all new visitors that I am not flirting with them what so ever… I take nothing serious on MYB except the donations I give... It is to have fun…THAT IS IT!…
I use Myspace for people I know in rl...it is a safe zone for me and also I have more personal information given ON THAT SITE than to those on MYB and other sites I'm active on…. My facebook account is used for classmates only, people I went to school with and such….Separating people I meet online in some way or another helps me organize my internet life….
In reading your blog I have noticed you’re experiencing some trust issues…often that is the result of past relationships, I find that when one relationship ends YOU MUST close that chapter in your life BEFORE you open a NEW chapter …If you don’t, you will forever repeat the cycle of destruction in EVERY relationship you have from that point on…for whatever reason the past relationships ended you must resolve those issues, If there were trust issues, I CAN BET MY ASS THOSE ISSUES WILL LEAP OVER INTO YOUR NEW RELATIONSHIPS.
If there were insecurities on his part or her part or you simply develop insecurities b/c of a bad relationship, it can destroy a relationship quicker than u can blink an eye! I always say, you must love yourself first before you can truly give ure love to anyone else…
you have to give ureself time to heal before you can move on to the next relationship or you will end up with the rebound relationship every time…To be used as someone's rebound partner, so they can heal, sets you up for a failed relationship, in which the rebound person gets what they need from you, then quickly moves on to find love….Whatever you do, take your time in building a new relationship if you want it to last for a while…. Rebounders always have issues….
Be careful who you date and inquire about their last relationship…. They may be using you and not realize it…. They may be caring a torch for the former partner…. They may return to that partner and expect you to be waiting in case things don't work out… Never forget ... nothing lasts forever.
The rebound relationship is all about patterns … repeating patterns and learning about how one functions in personal relationships, the people one attracts and why, and the degree of sabotage that takes place…. in any case, I will end with this… It is all about healing the heart…. Trust your guidance ... your inner voice ... what is in your best interests…. Stop playing the role of caretaker of the heart and take care of your own needs…When a partner leaves ... don't blame the person who came between you… If your partner wanted to stay, they would have…. Keep it simple…. A person who is happy, will not attract another partner
Much love, Vickie
April 26, 2010
Monday
My new grandson Wyatt has finally arrived...Congratulations JD & Amber, you made me a Mie Mie again...YEAH...He was born at 3:08pm today. He is beautiful, and healthy. He weighed 8lb and 13oz and 20-1/2 inches long. I feel so blessed to be in the delivery room and watch him make his entrance into this world. It brings me pleasent thoughts of Adley & Julian's arrival many years ago
I have a healthy mom, healthy baby and many happy Grandmas with great big smiles...giggles....
It's healthy for us, the older generation, to nurture the young... It is our natural task to influence the future in this way.
I don't think there is any requirements to be a grandparent ...I do love spoiling them and giving them back... However, just loving our children and grandchildren is not enough these days. We must be the best role model we can be...The joy comes from our ingenuity, energy and determination to provide stability and purpose. It is ours for the doing...I am so excited I could scream....I miss my butterbutt already. ...good news, I have three butterbutts...lmao
Never waste time in your life, and always make the best of the times you have...
On that note, I guess I best update you on the tumors that were discovered...I go in for the second exam, confirmation on May 3...I am a bit worried about my next appointment but I am sure all will be okay...
If you have not noticed, I have added a new photo album, "Happy Birthday Wyatt"...48 new photo's...The good lord above gave me another healthy baby...thank you
Another amazing day to remember....xoxoxox
Much Love, Vickie
April 12, 2010
My April, Monthly Blog Wrap Up; My*Thoughts
After having spent over 6 years with writing on my website and a wee over 5 years on myspace, I want to thank you all for the support during the years!
God knows I had my share of up and downs...lol...The wonderful thing about blogging is that it allows me to reach across the globe, meeting people we may have never had the chance to otherwise know...
We communicate through little snippets called post... sharing our daily thoughts, life stories and viewpoints...I’ve often shared in my journal that I can tell more about a person through the energy of their written words, than I could if I was standing in front of them.
Words are energy....Energy is universal...Therefore, it reaches far and wide...For me, blogging has been such an amazing education because it’s opened my mind and soul to a wealth of knowledge....it is part of me and I am apart of my journal...My daughters, grandchildren can look back once I cross over to the other side and be able to read my words as if I am still part of the world...In my mind, I am leaving them with something to remember me as their mother, grandmother and most of all, their inspiration of a leader, teacher and FRIEND...
Enough of that blabber before tears start falling...smiles
It was a joy for me to be able to give my best friend a little of me on her 36th birthday...the day before her big day, I was able to make her and her family my homemade pot pie, straight from the oven to her table...I took her out for dinner on her birthday and in return my daughter and her is taking care of me because I was trashed...lmao...me so sorry about that night...wow...
I can say it was a wonderful 2 days I got to spend with my bestie...I like birthdays... I like them more for other people but I'm glad we celebrate them... At the heart of it is the opportunity to tell someone, I'm glad that you were born..., which is also to say...I'm glad that you're alive... Those are powerful statements...
The world would be a different better place if we lived that way, if we said and showed those things, more than once a year...I so believe I can change the world!
I know I keep on saying it, my life is soooo blessed...I just got off the phone with a friend and was telling her how my life is such a blessing...I at one time was in her shoes...I struggled, I thought there was no end of the misery I felt with working 2 jobs and raising two daughters that I NEVER HAD MUCH TIME TO SPEND WITH... I am thankful I have people in my circle who is able to pick me up when I fall or even when I think I do ... I do believe and always will believe that my purpose in life is to help people in my circle...which gives me the most pleasure
A few months back I would not have the opportunity to help the people I have helped in these short few months...the changes in my life were and is a sacrifice to many...god had me in their life for a reason and who am I to question that..I did what I was sent to do at that time and moment...now my place is to move on and help another who can and will appreciate me!
I have no need to look back on the should of or could of's...I am thankful I got this far and knowing what I know today is and was for the best of all interest...
No regrets people...I learned fast and know who was-is the important people in my life and what I meant to them in theirs...another lesson learn and believe me when I say this, life now is brighter, life now has moments that take my breath away, life now is worth living, in my world...I hold no regrets cause I have learned and experienced something that only god had reason for...
Okay I need to change thy subject...let's talk about my gummy bears...well to start off, it will cost me about $7700 but could be 8 by the time it is all said and done...I am still excited to get my new girlies...I am not going to go big, well not huge...I just learned that I will buy a new wardrobe among all the uncomfortable things I will have to endure just to have a bit more pleasure in my life...
One, sleeping on my back will suck but I can sacrifice to get what I want...lol...All my old bra from Victoria secret will be a huge waste in money but again SO WORTH IT...giggles
I have had my moles removed on my face...kinda weird them not being part of me but again WELL WORTH IT...I did have the mole on my wrist removed...they all seem to be healing well, thank goodness...;0-)
One of the most important things I have done to improve my life over the last year or two is to focus on letting go of many things and to simplify...So today I’d like to share a few of my own favorite thoughts about simplifying your life...
1. Focus on what is most important for you. Let go of the rest....
2. Express ureself in a simple way....
3. A simpler life is one way to a happier life....
4. Get a life to create a simpler life....Now allow me to clarify 1 through 4....
There are many things you can let go of... both on the inside and the outside... I have for example let go of some busy work on the outside... I have greatly decreased the number of times I check email etc... each day and I have learned to use very short to-do lists with only 2-3 of the most important items instead of a dozen items or more...
On the inside I do my best to let go of trivial and petty stuff... I let go of negative stuff... I let go of trying to control the results of my actions... I let go of information and old self images that don’t serve me anymore...
I always remember or remind myself via the white board on my wall to keep things extremely simple...
By doing all this elimination on the inside and outside there is more room, time and energy for me to use for the most important things, and that makes life so much more interesting and fun...
Trying to fill your life and ureself up with more money, stuff, power, smartness, prettiness, a feeling of being more enlightened than others and then finally becoming happy may become like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in the bottom....
By simplifying and letting of a craving for more you can make your life happier and easier...Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated...Well, one answer may be old habits that you need to let go of and replace...
Simply by filling your life with more fun activities and people you become a lot more relaxed and have little time or patience for complications or drama from ureself or others...
Every single day, do one thing that is completely selfless...I stood at the entrance of the grocery store holding the door for a full 30 seconds as I seen the elderly women using a walker heading in my direction...It made me feel good to help another... Pick up your neighbor's newspaper off of the sidewalk and take it up to their door or give a knock just to hand it over and say "Hi' before moving on with your day... pick up trash that is in the street even though it isn't your responsibility... should be but people don't think the way I do...
The possibilities are obviously endless, but the point is that these type of acts will usually take less than 5 minutes of your life, but they will make you feel great...Some change is good and the feeling of helping another is so satisfying that in most cases, takes my breath away...
Maybe there is good reason why my life is such a blessing...I do for others, I am a giver...one day, life will be a treasure for each of you out there who feels life is just not what it is cracked up to be...give life a chance and pray for ure blessings, pray for others in hope you will have the chance to wake up and see another day of bliss!
Oh and before I go I want to shout out to you Selena...I had a wonderful time at ure slumber party that it sure does pay off to buy new things...lmao...What a night...big smiles for inviting me...giggles
I wish you all happiness...peace out till next month
V
April 7, 2010
Wednesday-3am
A friend of mine recently told me that she thinks I'm highly invested in being single, maybe because I'm scared of getting into a relationship again and getting hurt or maybe for reasons I'm not even consciously aware of....
Well sure it's easier in a lot of ways to be single.... The pain is under my control (or so it feels).... at times, I'm lonely because I'm single.... more times, I'm sad because I'm single.... mostly, I'm angry because I'm single.... Etc. Whereas when I'm in a relationship that ends, the pain isn't under my control it takes me for a spin....it just happens and I do get through it, SOMEHOW...
Or, I suppose I should say, it's never been under my control…. I've always been the one who got hurt, got mind fucked and that pain wasn't my idea...
So maybe there is a part of me that's trying to stay single…. I'm not sure.....I just know I do not want the bullshit talk with the bullshit walk...I am tired of the man drama...I am using this time of freedom to find ME...
I’m not looking for anything… SO I guess I’m open to everything EXCEPT love…. Now that I’m closing my mind to until 2020 or something, ya think I am kidding but if ya truly know me than ya know I am serious
....As it has been my past, a year or so in between each relationship is proof that more time is needed....On a brighter note, I can play house with all the girls now..... I’m SINGLEEEEE!...
I swear I’m going to try to make this single thing last for a while this time.... SO HELP ME BY NOT TRYING TO HOOK UP.... PLEASE….I’m known for ending up in relationships whether I want them or not, meaning my last, I should have listen to my mind and ignored my heart.. .... gotta stop that shit from EVER happening again...for real….
I'm happy in a relationship, but I'm also happy out of one....blessed at this time to be free actually... While I'm sure one of these days I'll be permanently coupled, I'm happily discovering that who I'm with, or not with, doesn't define who I am....
So be reassured, once I'm no longer a "SINGLE" single girl, I'll still give out random, anonymous advice and will continue to be the Vickie you all so desire…smiles… just because I can ....lmao
On that note, I feel I am at the stage in my life that I can help many people with their journey…it has been an amazing 2 months...the lives that I have touched has shown more appreciation toward me than the last 3 yrs who has been in my present...I guess you can say, I healed the past "for them"...I am living the present "for me" and now I am feeling my future...smiles
okay, I want to say this past Friday I went out to celebrate my girls birthday…I got soooo smashed that I swear I would NEVER EVER drink again…I had 17 shots of yager, WHY I DO NOT KNOW…I just said keep them coming and she did just that…lol…I guess I just wanted to forget about my reality for a moment but instead I was force into facing my reality…drinking may help some BUT NOT THIS GIRL…
I have made a promise to myself to be the driver …I do get a kick out of watching people being an ass…heh heh heh
I want to shout out to a few of my peeps…ya know who you are…I been hanging out at the Hookah Lounge…I love it…it is a place where I can relax and mingle with my peeps and I have met many new friends there already…
The owner is so awesome…I knew the place was for me when my girl ordered a tea and GUESS WHAT, they gave her a cup with palm trees…OMG ya know I love my trees…
I would have paid for the cup but instead the owner was a charm and gave it to me…plus gave me a good deal on my smoke…okay don’t yell at me, I am still a non smoker…I PROMISE YA THAT
I am smoking the flavored tobacco but it is non nicotine tobacco…I wanted all the berries so I bought a mixture of blackberry, raspberry and blueberry, …very smooth…
Yesterday I had the taste for coconut and pineapple…yummy…so I bought some for home...anywho it is so damn relaxing that I keep going back for more…lol…smiles
On that note it is late and I need my sleep so enough of my rambling…Oh I am going to my gurlfriends slumber party this week and happy to say I have a little cash I can spend for my sexual satisfaction…lol…
I like to take a moment and thank someone who did the right thing…I can say this, I was shocked so I did my thanks through text with my love but as ya know I always recieved silence so I know you won’t be reading this but I do want to say to you, thank you again…stay safe and find ure inner happiness…much luck to you and yours
Hugs and peace to all
V
March 28, 2010
Sunday
I have added a few photo's today in my photo gallery....Click here take a peek..Amber and I took some pics in my bathroom and was 15 minutes late arriving to her babyshower...lmao....I had a busy day ....We had her babyshower today and I attended my best friend, Niecie babyshower this morning...What a wonderful day it was...besides the rain but I love rain....heh heh heh...Will be adding more photo's this Friday...well I am getting messed up from the floor up so it may take me the weekend to get my pics published...giggles..I have yet to get drunk this year and by golly I am way past due...I am in need to party harty with my girls...and my bestie's man is our driver so we will have a blast....wait until you see what I am wearing...OMG, my girl almost fell to the ground...she is over reacting, so I do believe...lol....enjoy my pics, oh and my favorite pic is with my hands on Amber's tummy..LOVE IT!
March 22, 2010
Monday
This has been a strange month. No less.....Boy the time really flies by these days!
I’ve been plugging away over here at the day to day stuff and didn’t look up to notice how neglected I have been to those who always stood by me for so many years, my online friends.....including my rl friends
Looking back now makes me second guess why I would even give up something that made me sooo happy....My connection with a world that is soooo big with soooo much to offer me, as in understanding ME and the qualities of a genuine friend(s)....
I love Myspace, MYB and Facebook.... I was a little bit antisocial, at that time, but that doesn’t mean I am not interested in people’s lives or don’t want to keep in touch....I was just walking away for a moment to please another...
It just means I have let obligations and responsibilities get in the way of getting out there...I plan to do some major changes as my love life has also changed... all in time!....
I think everyone goes through it at some point to varying degrees, right?... Facebook, Myspace and Myyearbook has kept me in the loop so I didn’t turn into a complete recluse...I was in and out for the moment...Everyone welcome me back with open arms as if I NEVER LEFT...thank you all from the bottom of my heart
For awhile there, before I began my journey with these sites AGAIN, I had gotten into a place where I didn’t want to leave the house and sometimes didn’t even want to get out of bed.
Life had become so responsibility heavy, with not enough joy to balance that I had no desire or motivation to leave the house for any reason.
I was sparked by no curiosity, no concern for others, well one but I won't go there… just overwhelmed with what had to be done in my household and his responsibilities. Then I started to blog more, something I so missed...Followed by Facebook. Soon, though, people from high school and such were finding me. At first I was irritated but began to take a second look at things...
Facebook was purely a joke from the beginning of creating my account. But then I started feeling… excited by their company. Interested! Curious! ...It was changing me, making me think about what I was doing to myself, to others and why I left in the first place...
Warmed by pictures of their children and updates on what they’ve been doing. I still don’t go out clubbin a lot … but I WANT to! and that’s huge....before I just wanted to stay in my shell for reasons I feel no need to go into...and now I have hope, I have freedom within myself...the idea of meeting my classmates makes it okay TODAY...yesterday would have been a huge problem...again, no need to go there...my point to all this blabber is simple...I AM LIVING NOW, BREATHING and no longer living for someone else...I am living my life for ME!...something I seem to ALLOW to happen
In addition to reconnecting with peeps from the past I have met new people who’ve become real friends.... I’ve started my usual routine and being healthy again as a direct result of my friendships online and OFFLINE that began on MYSPACE and MYB and now grew on facebook. I am going out to movies and other social situations with friends.... I found my happiness again....
I have MYB friends all over the country that I’d love to see and even a friend in the U.K. that I like so much I would actually visit if I had the chance....
So I am going out for little things, meeting new people, thinking about London vacations, contemplating going back to school…yep why not, I am a smart cookie and think I can help alot of people, heck I do it now, why not get paid... all because I regained my self respect, my friendships in this last few months and found myself which I got lost within another...so thank you, Myspace, Myyearbook and Facebook.
I am almost speechless....I need to take a moment and speak of a very good person who has gained his wings on March 20, 2010...Scott I will miss you and all the giggles...You have ure wings now...look down apon us and help those who were in ure circle...When tragedy strikes it is all for reason....its a reminder from the man above....live ure life without regrets and hold on to those love ones cause one day they might not be here... the good lord above needed another angel...I just want to remind you that we mustn't shy away from emotional pain, and that while accepting grief might be uncomfortable, it's essential to helping our loved ones (and ourselves) process our losses...I know he was a true friend to many....I will forever remember Scott...my last memory is at Nikki's babyshower, just a few months ago and the laughter he gave me cause he was the only man there and I had to text my ex and let him know SCOTT WAS HERE...lol...those were good memories...I will cherish them...RIP-Scott, u can now ride free, my friend ;0-)
So here’s what I’ve been up to…well let me save that for another time...it is almost past my bedtime....giggles...I am having a blast on MYB...been a long time since I could just be a free spirit...that is one thing I miss about Kevin and I...being together for 10 yrs was the most happiest time in my life, why, cause he was true to me and gave me the freedom to be VICKIE!...that one night changed it all, most of you know the ending so I won't repeat myself...
good nite all...wishing you peace and happiness to each and every one of you
Much Love, Vickie
March 21, 2010
Sunday
I am a bit sad today, a very good man recieved his wings yesterday....
Scott, you were very funny and always made me laugh...
May you rest in peace ... god bless your family ...
I will be back tomorrow with my weekly thoughts.
March 15, 2010
My First, Monthly Wrap Up! My* Thoughts
This week I made a promise to myself to start putting myself first.
I realize that I care too much what others think. Yes I am finally admiting it...
I spend too much time worrying about others. I feel guilt if I can't do everything for everyone.
I realize how unhealthy this is. I also realize most of the world doesn't work that way.
Most people put themselves first. They do what they need to do. They don't stop and think of others.
They don't mean to hurt people but they do for themselevs first and then think. I was the opposite.
I think of others and then myself. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to be more selfish. I used to think selfish was a bad word I now feel completely different. I think if I would of been a little more selfish - I would be happier. I feel that people with a strong sense of self are selfish. They put themselves on the top of their to-do list. Something I always admired but couldn't get myself to do.
I will continue to teach it to others. I know how important it is but it's easier to tell others then to do yourself :)
I will now practice what I preach. I will put myself first. I added in positive affirmations to my daily rituals.
It states:
I'm important, I care about myself. I will put myself first.
That is my new mantra. I will take care of me. I know deep down I'm not a selfish person in the bad sense but I don't think it would hurt to just become a little more self-centered.
March 14, 2010
Sunday
What a day....a very good one indeed...anywho I have been through the most interesting experience of my life...no not that so stop thinking it...
damn I am being a bad gurl again.....sorry I am back...giggles...
I do believe I have been through a very trying time in my life...It feels good to breathe fresh air...
I know the good lord has his reasons why I went through all that non-sense...good thing is I made it through the worse...yea go me...giggles
I am happier then ever right now and know from here on out is the adventure I am looking forward toooo ... ;0-)....
this break-up has given me a lot of things to think about...I have closed this chapter and so looking forward to my future...
I understand things better now since Danny entered my world....well he has been here for many yrs...ure awesome and I can never thank you enough...I do believe you entered back into my life at a time I needed someone the most...The good lord put you in my life for a reason...again I will forever owe you
...I know a few of you are also going through a bad break up...or in the mist of thinking about moving on...All I will say, I had the 7 steps below in the back of my head...it worked for me so I do hope it will work for you...
Some of us go into denial and act as if nothing is wrong.
Some of us lay on the dramatics. Some of us call friends.
Some of us hide under the blankets.
Some of us grin and bear it.
Some of us drown in alcohol and drugs.
Some of us run up and down the street like our hair is on fire.
Some of us distract ourselves with activity, shopping, mundane interests.
Whatever it is, all of us can handle challenges badly.
Some of us handle it badly for a minute. Some for an hour. Some of us just never learn to face adversity in any way....
My heart goes out to a young lady who has lost a love one as I have in 1993...She is my inspiration in writting tonight...I know you have many things going on in ure life, you said, the man ure with right now is not trust worthy...I told you earlier that if you ever need to talk I am here for you...If you like me to pick you up for a few hours, I can...
I was in the same situation as you are now a little over a month ago...I stayed in that situation for 2 yrs of a 3 yr relationship...The last 6 months I believe was the worse...at any rate, I do feel ure pain gurlfriend, I just wish i could give you some comfort...I can feel your pain, really I do...
When I spoke to him I told him, he needs to do you right...If he loves you, he would not do the hurtful things he is doing to you...I said this to him again, yesterday...
I left for that same reason so i know ure torment...Just remember I am here for you, just call me....
okay I got off track again...lol...
At first, it’s always difficult to see the good that can come out of a breakup of any kind, and then slowly, as time goes on, it becomes clear that what happened was necessary to move forward.....
below is the steps to help you through the roller coaster ure about to jump off of....believe me the ride is worth it in the end...smiles
Step 1
Have no visual or vocal contact with the other person. This may be hard if you are in the same work place, or have children together, but make this a top priority. Unless you absolutely have to have contact, don't.
Step 2
Stop talking about your ex. In order to move on after a breakup, you have to stop thinking about them, but that isn't a possibility for a long time. Help yourself by keeping conversations geared toward other things.
Step 3
Give yourself credit for trying. No one is perfect, and that means both of you had to add to the reasons for the breakup. The last thing you need to do is beat yourself up over what you did wrong.
Step 4
Picture the day when you are completely over them. Move on after a breakup by using the power of your brain to speed the process. It is like picturing the perfect golf swing, picture it and it will come.
Step 5
Lean on your friends. They are there for you no matter what, and lean on them to help you clear your head. This does not mean dump on them about the relationship, it just means that you should continue living and having fun.
Step 6
Learn from the life lesson. There will be a lot of time spent thinking about different aspects of the relationship, either good or bad, and the best thing to do is to use them both to grow as a person and as a partner.
Step 7
Treat yourself. Help yourself by getting a new outfit, haircut or make-over. The old saying is true, you feel better when you look great. It is also a wonderful spring board to getting back in the dating pool.
I think I am going to end on that note...My gurl is in my bed and my ass is heading there now...lol...We just friends so get REAL...anywho ...I feel better now...heh heh heh
Be safe everyone and peace to all
Hugs From MD.
Vickie
March 5, 2010
Friday
You will find my photo album growing...
I will be publishing many new albums this week so stay tune...
I have some awesome news....I decided to go to Florida for a week. I am in hopes to be able to stay longer, we will see. I just need some alone time to get myself back on track, the track I was on way before my ex and I reunited.
Taking vacations is something I did for ME in every relationship but my last...
I believe he was insecure and I stayed to pacify him which I did for all the wrong reasons....we live, we learn..
I do not regret anything, only can hope he learns something positive from our relationship...I know I did and what to avoid in my next relationship....I realise that I was no longer living my life...just breathing in his world.
His actions that he brought forth had caused me to change into a person that I never want to be again....I am thankful the truth set me free...His silence made me think about my future and what I had to look forward tooo....
I call it my wake up call so god bless him
anyway enough wasted time on him, Daddy said, it is a gift to me just to get my thoughts in order .....I am focused right now, just a bit dazed these past few weeks. I believe I am okay....lol...well I know I will be alright.
I want to thank you for being there when I needed ya the most...ya know who you are..wink...I never really knew how many friends I had that was soooo wanting to help me, until the day my second world ended. I now know why I am so blessed with the love I have in my circle. One day I know you will need me and believe me I will be right there!...PROMISE!
April, you have been my friend for over 25 years. I know the days I thought I was falling apart you were right there to pick me back up...among many other angels who were and still remain there to help me through my ordeal...I got through the worse and now I know I am well on my way to getting out to mingle again.
Niecie I thank god you have been apart of my life all these years also...wow, 22 yrs of friendship already...I am so happy for you and the happiness you found...one day it shall be my turn to be happy again...until then I am living the single life with PLEASURE....heh heh heh
Love you all who is there for me and got me through the roughest patch in my life...I will NEVER forget what you did for a friend in need....kisses with huggers
Much love,
Vickie
March 02, 2010 -
Blessed with good people in my circle
I first want to say I am truely blessed with the friends that are in my circle. The true friends that are TRUE to themselves, so they can and are true to others...
ya know who you are...wink ;-)
I am very thankful that you took the time out of your busy day to reach out to someone to help a lost soul..I felt so torn and untouchable that I was searching for direction.
I once said to someone whom I thought was a friend but in my wake up call
I find this person to have her own demons that needs to be dealt with.
Maybe not today but one day she will know and look back and see my face.
On that note, you are the male angel sent from above ...
We have many years of memories, a past that was NEVER forgotten...you came back into my life, right at the right moment.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there when I needed someone the most. You picked me up when I was at my worse and gave me a special gift...You helped me understand me and why I do the things I do for others. It all comes together now making my circle, a whole...
I will definately take all your wisdom and it will walk with me in my next
experience with love...I have new hope, my hope with your guidance...
I know your words has given me a better understanding what was most important ...
you will never know how much you touched my life today.
Coming into my world and helping me deal with my emotions is the most
kind generous deed ever done for me. The good lord above will greatly bless you ... I am well on my way to a better ME....;-)...
Much love to you my friend,
Vickie
Life is awesome! I will cherish each second from this day forward...giggles
Wishing Peace to all
I find the song, "Noose" by The Perfect Circle to be the most
touching song ever written. I have said in my past many times, and in writing that all songs written may have a different meaning to others as we all have different views..
I will view it WITH MY EXPERIENCES as you will come to your own conclusion what these words are saying to you.
Very strong words can move something way down in you....
My version speaks for the last chapter that just ended in my life.
All those who has been guilty of doing the dirty deeds in their life just to get ahead on someone elses dime.
...hurting others just to feel good about themeselves. Betraying those who helped one better themselves in the end, so I hope.
Eventually you will own your actions all in time. You can not run, it will get ure attention ONE DAY!
You will be forced to look in the mirror and see yourself for who you really are.
The accuser is always the one with guilt...truth has set me free ;-)
Give the lyrics your TRUE version.
Surely if you think about the lyrics with that in the back of your mind it is a totally damning song, and is so powerful and unanswerable.
I love the line "recall the deeds..."
where you can imagine someone talking about what happened and being totally free from guilt as they whole heartedly believe that it was not them who caused all this pain, that it was their former self. Never once giving the thought to just speak the truth as your reality, is your on going future.
Then he tells him:
"Recall the deeds as if they're all
Someone else's
Atrocious stories "
Which is Maynard saying the person did many atrocious things yet the guy doesn't seem to realize he was the one who did those bad things, he thinks of it as someone else doing the damaging things he in fact did. Giving silence as not admiting your wrongs just to make things a right, in the end.
Most damaging is doing nothing to make it right, be forgiven, own ure action and take the responsibility as a MAN or WOMEN!
"And not to pull your halo down
Around your neck and tug you off your cloud
But I'm more than just a little curious
How you're plannin' to go about makin' your amends
To the dead "
This is Maynard saying sarcastically that he's not trying to take him off his new found spiritual whatever ego trip or anything (which he really is) but a recovering alcoholic has to make amends with those he hurt (step 9) and he's curious how he can do that to those that aren't alive anymore or those who walk this earth that forgave but won't forget.
I see a certain vindictive side to the song also.
Maybe not necessarily he's "glad to see the person is doing well" but more of a vindictive, sarcastic expression of they're failing attempt at turning around their ways or at least masking them that later hurts innocent people who cross their path.
Also in the sense that "so glad to see you doing well, after you hurt so many" and also "I'm more than just a little curious at how your planning to go about making your ammense to the dead" more so "After what you've done, it's beyond me how you will ever repent for your actions." Picture someone that's gone through anger management. You look at the person so calm and cool looking, but you notice their eye twitch out of the rage built up - it's just a guise ....Your halo slipping down.... A representation of the falsification of their "new" self. ...
shows MJKs view on the subject, in a blatantly sarcastic way. I'm not sure if there is a personal experience that he is drawing from, but regardless of this he should be commended on his ability to rouse such strong feelings towards a subject, he has done that so many times and has applied it to so many situations, love (3 libras) and even to the loss of self esteem and dignity over strippers (magdelena). I think the man is amazing, his grasp of language and emotion is only something that can come from self experience and his intelligence,
and will be something that I don't think will ever be replicated.
as for the noose, it has to be about what drives you to the thoughts a roaming.
March 01, 2010
I think I am loving the NEW YAHOO features,...My peeps have tried to get me here and I just thought it was all the same old YAHOO. I was wrong...lol...Glad you talked me into it my friend...giggles
Anywho, I just want to say TODAY has been a very good day for me.
I love to be around passionate people.... They radiate a kind of energy that is magnetic, authentic and vibrant.... I ask myself this question every day. What is it that I desire and how can I ignite that spark to bring passion to everything that I do?
Even if my life is not yet what I imagine it will be, I know I am doing all I can and becoming all I can be, to walk toward the life I desire.
I am living my daily life so that in the end I will have no regrets about the precious life I have lived....feels good to BREATHE fresh air again
Most of you know I am single...please RESPECT the fact that I need my space right now so do not try to hook up with me,...let's be friends...huggers with smiles
Much love,
Vickie
February 24, 2010,
Wednesday
SBC= Single By Choice .... My relationship was based on LIES...
I have waste 3 more yrs of my life just to help another ... SOUL
I allowed him to use my kindness, my love for him was blinding me to see the real truth of our relationship...
I am stronger now and plan to use this relationship as a life lesson well learned...
I know for sure I am the BEST he will ever get in this lifetime and I am sure he knows that now...
I will do my best to make sure his next victim has his undivided attention...RESPECT
My only lesson in this relationship is to make him own up and pay for his responsibilities I was tricked into paying...I am making things right for EVERYONE involved to learn from this experience
Maybe next time, he will think twice before he takes
advantage of another human being, only if I do my part as god had
intended me to do from the start..teach him a lesson that he won't repeat....smiles
I will be in and out for the upcoming months so if I don't get to your messages on MYB or Myspace, just call or text if you got my digits...
I am in need to put my past in the past as soon as possible!
Thank you for giving me the best gift EVER....THE TRUTH!...Your actions set me free and I am thankful for that...Now I can go on with better things that life is offering me...Hope she was worth it and I do want to wish you both the best..seriously...., You made me the fool but really I made myself a BIGGER fool...this roller coaster of emotions has been one hell of a ride....I will be the better person and do what is right, see you in court ONE LAST TIME....now you can have a reason to hate me and finally I can justify your ACTIONS....Peace-Out
If your trying to hook up or thinking about trying to get
into my world, my head and or my heart.... move on, I AM NOT INTERESTED!
Feb 13, 2010
Saturday wee hrs in the am
I don’t think this will shock you…I am sure most seen it coming, those who know me in real life that is…The past 6 months has been shaky ground for Ron and I…I am single again…once again I learn a lesson so get ready for the rambling…This will be long for the sole reason to clear my mind, heart and soul just so I can move on with my life…If you need to be somewhere you best come back to this later if you find it to be your situation…..
I believed at one time, the foundations of our relationship was rock solid, I had a very rosy picture of us two growing old together holding hands and believed that we both loved each other….well I love him, the question is, did he love me?…my mind torments me with questions like, if so how could he love me and continue to do what he has done in this relationship…I mean, if I am that important to you then why take chances to fuck it up….I don’t get it, your losing me one way or another…my only conclusion, it is a way out of the relationship, that’s what you really want cause your action say that…three simple words can do just that, I want OUT or It’s NOT working
My world came crashing down when he told his first HUGE lie….if it were a little white lie, that I might be able to handle differently but a lie is a lie no matter how big or small… I been in la la land long enough…I am human and can only take so much hurt before it starts controlling who and what I am… The betrayal is so deep I forget who I am. I change ME, just to deal with the situation…it’s like my mind shuts down in a certain way just to get through the hard truth of it all,…my mind is protecting me, boy I do sound fucked up….
The ongoing betrayal of it all must have it’s reason behind his actions …I can understand if I hounded him or brought up his past actions but I didn’t,… l went along for the ride and enabled him to continue to add more to the stack of shit he left me to deal with….My silence has truly been my prison of misery….I was stupid to think it will work out the second time around,.,..,I was just making excuses for his actions, just to bare the pain he puts in front of me …I didn’t want to face the reality that I am ending yet another relationship…what am I doing wrong that each man in my life thinks he can just take the purity of our relationship and stomp all over it BUT expect everything to be the same in the end… even after he breaks not only my heart but also what is most important to me…trust
I give so much and expect nothing in return …just love me, respect me and let me trust you by keeping our relationship pure…why is it so hard for men to follow through with such an easy request….it is known from the beginning not to mess with my trust so why go there….I can say one thing, it is an easy way out of my life….my exes have said long after we divorced, yep I will bring it out in the open…they said, I wish I can come back…ALL of them…Ron is the only man I gave the second chance too…he fucked that up as he once said he wouldn’t do…I ask him 2 questions, will you cheat on me?…his answer NO…will you lie to me?…his answer NO
I deserve everything he has done to me considering I broke my FIRST rule and stayed after the first lie was brought to surface….I could have saved so much heartache…. I could have lived a different life but instead I end up wasting 3 yrs on a man who was just lying from the beginning…his own selfish needs… In reality, I must deal with my decisions and believe me I will get through this as I have done over 20 yrs ago, the first round with him….
I already went through the phase of OMG do I have AIDS b/c I am now in a mind fuck stage…I went on a Friday at the health department just to ease my mind that my results were still negative as last years test…I get tested no matter what because I am responsible for my actions when I do not use protection with the man I love…I trust him to be faithful to me,…now that changed 5 months ago, u want sex, you cover it up….don’t matter to me
I cry often and feel that he had taken the solid ground away from under my feet….He is a 40 year old man and I blame NO ONE but me…. I told him about my feelings and he clearly did not want to talk about it ..(avoiding the truth)….on EVERY issue that was slapped in front of me …it’s simple, he doesn’t want to stop!…
FTR- I never accused him of any misdeeds…I did however bring things to his attention when they surfaced…great example..a text conversation between him and a barmaid at Vixens…We will call her Jen, this text convo was a few years back, yes I have the date and details in my personal journal…anyhow to the point and in black in white the text reveal his boss giving them permission to use the back room for sex AS LONG AS THERE WERE NO DRAMA WITH VICKIE, or her boyfriend,..yes in those exact words…In this conversation, he finally got her number…. I read and copied every word of that text message…among all the other ones I saw and read, just for my own sanity,.…his silence was his escape from dealing with his actions!…my silence after that was torture within myself…he wouldn’t dare give me the pleasure of giving me a simple honest answer….cause he knew he was caught and so did she!
His actions tell me more than his words….This snow storm has truly been my blessing from god…he brought me back home to my things, to my world, to my animals, to my way of living, not with his lies and deceitful ways ….something he thinks I wouldn’t find out ….He had many excuses why he couldn’t stay at my home…in 3 yrs, he stayed one night in my world and we were drunk…I sucked it up as he was jealous for the simple fact he would say your house is better then mine, blah blah blah…For one, I don’t beat my house up when I get drunk and I don’t do stupid shit to destroy my things…I pay dearly for my property and cherish what I do have…so say or think what ya wish to think…IDC anymore…. I like my home to be in order, rather if I am in your world 99% of the time as I once was…It does not make my house any better so please get the fuck off that….I just have a preference ….I am a virgo….
….I gave so much of me that I destroyed my world in many ways…I thank the lord I did not give up my home… I once thought about merging just to save my money…at $1500.00 a month, me paying my bills did pay off after all…now I see, it was worth every penny cause I have a home to come home too
I know trust defines every interaction in a relationship, it builds intimacy and it strengthens bonds…. Without trust no relationship can thrive, as I have claim many times.
Unfortunately, many others do not cherish trust the way that they should….Women allow men to do this all the time…I just want RESPECT and if your not going to give that to me then your not worth my time…I know I can get better and I do deserve better so my only option is to move on ….Trust is often given freely at first, it is also easily taken for granted….and that’s when I must walk….
Again another mistake, believing he was sorry…. When my trust has been damaged it spells doom for my relationship and it is very hard, if not impossible, to earn back….this is why I warn them to avoid what is to come…I knew this but did not want to face the reality…
When the deepest trust in my life has been broken, I look for safety among perfect strangers….I write in my journal to relieve myself to make some sort of sense of what is happening and or why…. He didn’t want me to write about these issues he brought in…but I am now for the soul reason of his silence ONE LAST TIME…
I want to be angry, but to be honest, my heart is just broken, once again….his actions tells me he does not care….to just forget it ever happened and not talk about it has caused me greater pain then the first lie itself…actually every text message, every ordeal he has brought into this relationship could and should have been avoided from the beginning… I can’t allow this to be swept under the rug AGAIN….. If I want things to change, I must do something about it cause he can live his life as if nothing has happen, with no change and I am left to deal with the feelings ALONE that he has created…
We are, all of us, the most contradictory of creatures…. We need each other, we need to talk, to connect…. but when our most intimate and profound bond of trust has been broken, we also need absolute safety to talk about our deepest hopes, fears and shames…. Ron keeps silence to continue his role to manipulate the situation…I have noticed a pattern with him, when he is busted, he turns things around and makes EVERYTHING about him as if I have done the dirty deed, throwing my friends in my face…
The moment I am forced to deal with his BS issues is when I am close or right on with the truth, him making accusation as if I am cheating on him, he claims WHATEVER…his action does prove he indeed has a conscious cause he accuses me of talking to men, something that I do not do and the male friends I do have has the respect NOT to cross that line with me…or else they wouldn’t be in my world…WHY because I make it known that I have a man…it is respect…I do nothing that would break our bond…I put myself in his shoes as if I were in that situation, how would I react if it was him about to do what I am going to do…this is the correct way, MY WAY to RESPECT my other in WHOLE…. I keep the respect no matter what he brings to our table
I seriously think he is afraid that I will do what he has been doing to me for so long…trust is a must in any relationship…when it comes to your man working as a DJ in a strip club IT BECOMES THAT MUCH MORE…
I never had a problem with him talking to women or getting their numbers, I still don‘t, even after he broke the trust, go figure…once the trust is broken, I call it a mind fuck…I now accept his sorry excuse and THAT IS ALL I GET and now I must love with not knowing if he will do it again or wander is he…
for god sake, BEFORE YOU SAY IT IN EMAIL, I am comfortable with who I am…I am secure within myself and never feel threatened by anyone…I have always been a free spirit and I do pass that on to my love…really let me put it this way, how many women out there do you know would be okay with their man, your man, for one, receiving female numbers, her sending him nude pictures of her and a few you have seen of them in the club, pictures with your man in them with her THE SAME WOMEN but clothed…Maybe I am foolish…I don’t feel threatened he has a friendship with these ladies…I been told I am a strong women…well maybe I should rethink my ways…I am just setting myself up to be hurt by ALLOWING MY MAN TO DO THIS…that could be my problem…Maybe it is me, I set my self up for this shit…I trust them way too much… I am an open minded person and I pass that to everyone in my path…I give 200% of trust and in return I get hurt….damn, I am stupid in a sense.
So how do you know if you can trust your invisible audience? Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe what matters the most is that I dared to speak up and that someone out there is listening….just maybe someone is walking in my shoes right now and just maybe later down the road when this is in my past, a person is seeking direction to understand, looking for guidance or just maybe my words will do them good…..who really knows…in all I can release this burden I created and move forward without the heartache and torment …..
He misuses my trust to his best and sneakiest advantage and he realize that, time and time again, he is continuously successful at not being caught with all his extra shenanigans, okay let me reword that, caught many times, just not taking responsibilities for his actions and my fault for not SPEAKING UP to take stand and demand an explanation and answers to my questions…maybe that is where I went wrong…lack of questions and I DID NOTHING but except I am sorry….I am smarter than he thinks…unlike the rest unresolved issues, I know more than he really thinks I know…like I said, this snow storm has been a blessing, what he hides from me has finally come to surface…again his actions also spoke for him…. . I have caught him with his pants down….not literally thank god …. It must give him some kind of a kick, like a small child with their hand in the cookie jar….
I ask myself, is it the thrill?…. the excitement of doing something that is forbidden? …maybe I should try this tactic if I ever decide to date again.….forget that thought,….This is not a healthy relationship and I wish it on no one…I would never do this to anyone…I have anger, bitterness, and resentment controlling me, it’s time for me to end my misery and let the healing to begin…
….My grandsons has suffered, well in mind they did cause he refuses to acknowledge he has two other grandchildren besides his 2 bio grandbabies…hell he does not even say he is with me when he speaks online….I am not even mentioned in his online world as he is in mine, on every account, well was…we won’t go there…my grandchildren has NEVER been acknowledged LET ALONE…, HEY I GOT A GIRLFRIEND and yep I am happy, ask me how I know….walk in my shoes…..
I won’t go into detail for the fact it does affect others if I do….on that note…
I am trying to respect his wishes, as he has said, it is his house, his rules, on his time, that is fine...I have my Alley, my kitty at his house…wish I never took her there in the first place but I can‘t turn back the time…. This time around is a bit different, I am not 18 years old …When I walked away 20 yrs ago, I left everything including my daughters and my clothes…I can replace my things but I can not replace my kitty….she is MY family…
Due to this weather, both of my cars are out of service, not that he gave a damn BUT ANYHOW, I made arrangements and got a ride to get the little bit of stuff I have there and I have the key but for some reason I am still giving him the respect by abiding to his wishes…Don’t say it, it’s just who I am…I refuse to stoop to his level or anyone else…
This is a game to him and what really burns my ass I am playing by his rules although he broke the trust and continued to do so for the past year and half …maybe it has been since day one of our relationship, IDK…don’t get me wrong, this is not about blame…I take 100% responsibility for allowing it to get this far, this is why I have rules…before I hate I must leave first…
He said he would call me today so I can get my Alley and my things and now it is after 7pm… I am left with another day of misery cause he is at work…doing his thing…there is no excuse not to call me…he is again avoiding the situation he causes…I do not deserve this, any of it…I been good to him and faithful, asking to keep the communication open.…I warned him for the last time
I went far and beyond, forgetting about my responsibilities just to keep his world running smooth….he knows what I MEAN…I saved him thousands of dollars and I saved his ass in other area’s, like his job for one…this is the appreciation I get for loving him…I do need my head examine…I need to stop putting myself out there for men to use me as a door mat…I paid for his divorce, MY CHOICE PEOPLE, cost me $1800.00. I used to have a savings but I basically took care of his needs and said fuck mine in the end… trust me I am paying for that NOW…If I only knew what I know now…I put out a lot of money for him in this relationship, thought I was helping him and in return he was using me for what he can get…again his actions now are speaking for him…I see things clear now…I am trying to figure out what my lesson is in this relationship…maybe I need to stop using my money and letting them use theirs and/or be 50-50 instead of me flipping the bill for them…ya know, making their life a little easier…I don’t want a penny back unless he wants to make it right for himself…otherwise it is dirty money to me…I did many good deeds for him and to think he could afford to pay for his own divorce, among the many other expense I paid for, it is enough to make me feel sorry for him cause in the end HE WILL BE A LONELY OLD MAN if this behavior continues and I am sure it will! He will continue to repeat his past…the circle never ends!….
…It amazes me that his mother thinks it has been the women in his life who screwed him over…looking through my eyes, it is the other way around, I now see through the eyes of his exes….I do not blame them one second for leaving…maybe how they left was wrong but in all leaving him was the right thing to do in my opinion especially if he had done the same to them as I have allowed him to do to me …thank the good lord I made my peace a few yrs back with his second ex wife…she tried to warn me but I had to see for myself to walk in her shoes to understand her…thinking all along, he won’t do that to me…what a wake up call….
In some sort of way, he still has a little bit of control over me…for now that is, until tomorrow…
My cell is dead and my cord is not charging and he knew this yesterday but still no excuse not to leave a message on my cell or call my home…remember I can still check my messages from a land line..again ACTIONS DO SPEAK LOUDER THEN WORDS and his actions these past few weeks has truly came to light…I no longer will try to make this work, that was his job from the start because he made things what they are today,.. if he really wanted things to work, none of his actions would have happen in the first place…NO F-N excuse…I will not make excuses for his actions any longer…it is what it is…I am down with it!….I am not playing this sick game of his…it takes two to play. I put my cards down …I won’t be the bitch your so desperate for me to bring out…I refuse to be your victim any longer…I am raising above all this and leaving with whatever dignity I have left…enough is enough…you need to be true to yourself before you can be true to me and that my friend has been a task for you throughout this relationship and I am sure has been the main issues in your previous relationships…so I know you won’t be honest with me….I will no longer be the fool, your fool….in the eyes of many…you want to act single, well be single….by all means, I wish you the best
I hope someone out there in the same situation finds the strength to stand up and take control of their lives…With him, the problem with communication is the illusion that it has been accomplished…remember, you are what you are because of the conscious and subconscious choices you have made….
Those of you who are seeking for attention because I am soon to be single, move on…I am not interested…
I am in need to be alone to find myself and to finalize this chapter in my life so I can move on with a healthy start when that time comes…that could be years as it has been a fact in my past that my happiest moment were living single…SBC= single by choice ….
I do thank him now for his silence and lack of cause it gives me the strength to move on….hopefully he can just give my things without drama and without me bringing the law into it…I am leaving quietly ….when you refuse to talk to me I must release my anger the only way I know how.,..WORDS..the night is almost over and still not one call from you as your last words to me, I will call to make the arrangements so you can get your things...don't try to make an excuse cause I am not buying them anymore...communication remember!
Peace everyone and god bless
Feb 4, 2010
Thursday
Now, everyone who believes they have experienced love, which is the majority of the planet's population, can't be wrong, can they? It doesn't require a god, or any other ethereal being. It only requires an extensive knowledge of one's self and a knowledge of the one he/she believes they are in love with. But, then again, there is the saying that 'Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence' And I don't believe there can be a 'petty love' or a time when you 'think' you are in love. You are, or aren't. You will know.
It's all a made up word to explain a person's lust. You think you're in love and then BAM it all falls apart on you, so you just try again?
How many times is someone going to have to chew your heart out before you realize that LOVE DOES NOT EXSIST. Love is just a word Hallmark made up to make more money, it's not an emotion. We all live this false life, trying to find love, we spend our whole lives searching for it, and it's not until your dying that you realize you wasted your whole life chasing the wind.
Newsflash***** I finally open my eyes!
Love is a choice of action. You have control over love. You choose to love and you choose not to love. You know why you like amala, and you know why you hate pounded yam. Its simple. I love Ron, but if my prince, lie/cheats on me, I am going to kill him. Will i kill someone i love? No. That means I stopped loving him the minute he lied/cheated on me.
Love is a choice and I choose to walk away once they hurt me. I can't get past the betrayel...Ron may have cheated on me BUT I have nothing to say he did for a fact, I know he has lied many times, just things here and there that add up to be something but not proven. Maybe I don't want to see the truth so just maybe thats why I want someone to come forward with the truth so I can move on. I feel stuck with my emotions.
I have my true love, my children, my grandchildren is my true love, unconditional...they are my true love. I don't think there is a such thing of a love with a man, It has always been a one way street with me. I give my all and for some god known reason they feel they can betray my trust and then think nothing will change. I was so blind that men used me cause I allow them too...In the end, I change and begin to hate the person I become because I STAY and the shit he brings into the relationship detroys ME the true person I am.
From this day forward, I can give a shit less about anyone and everything besides my true loves.... I believe I am meant to be alone. It is a fact, I am happier alone.
I don't have to deal with the heartache that comes with a ONE SIDE RELATIONSHIP.... I will live my life as if I am alone...in my mind, whatever he does will no longer concern me. I will do me from this day forward!
It is all about VICKIE and no longer about any man who thinks they can walk all over me...what comes around goes around...keeping ure silence speaks louder then words. Karma will come one day, until then I shall be patient
January 12, 2010
Tuesday
I have finished archiving my 2008-2009 journal entries.
Just click on the 2008-2009 above to see contents or click HERE.
I have recieved many emails that involve breaking down 2009 into a monthly journal as I did with 2007 bringing in the year 2008.
Sorry to tell you but I decided not do it again this year for a few reasons.
One, my time is short. I have been caring for my love one which takes more time as of late and dealing with other issues that creates unwanted DRAMA.
I feel some things should remain in the family and believe me A LOT has happen just in the family. It has been a very busy year in the DRAMA department. I will say this, I have had my fair share in 2009. I have not spoke to my cousin Missy for 2 yrs and now I see I have a serious reason within itself why I dismiss her from my life. Within a 6 months period of giving her another chance I am breaking away from her once more.
I love her to pieces. I do not understand her ...I have tried to reason with her ways of life.
I nor should anyone think they are better ... we make our life what it is, simple as that. You have the choice to change...blame no one but YOU for what path you take....You want to think I am better and Missy I am no better than you or anyone. Why people feel the need to think toward that direction is beyond me....maybe jealously comes to mind, IMO-jealously gets you no wherebut in a deeper depression or state of mind... it's wasteful thinking...I am me and I have what I have because I worked for it and I know how to save money and get what I want without going into debt. I depend on NO ONE but ME!
I have self discipline and if ya know me in real life you would know my aim is a go getter.
I take after my mother and proud of it.
I feel it's all about how our life lessons have influence who we are today. I am 38yo. Very happy with myself and who I have become. I have many life lessons that I am sure only a few of you have experience. Missy is really young to me, 29.
I believe she doesn't know any better but one day will eventually understand and experience that her way of taking advantage of a person and thinking it is okay because you just do what ya gotta do to get by in life will see it is a bunch of crap as it is in my book.
I gave her my opinion, it was just that!...here is an example, If I ever got caught smoking my peace pipe, I go to jail cause it is against the law, my risk right.... If you get caught, you bring down innocent people who has no clue if it is legal or not. Avoiding paying a few bucks in taxes might not seem shit to you. It is HUGE to a person that is risking losing everything they worked their entire life for. You don't have a home to lose, any bank accounts to worry about or anything much of value that would make you care for another soul. I have pets that depend on me.
You on the other hand recieves a quick slap on the wrist thats over in minutes while all along someone else gives gives and more gives that eventually they feel the need to cut you loose cause you feel you got to do what ya got to do as you so put it ...take responsibilities for your actions and stop abusing and/or taking advantage of others to get ahead in this life. You lost both of your daughters at two different times in your life. You must know the path your on is the wrong way. ..Stop and think!
I can understand if you help or offer your time to clean the home or just do something for the amount of money that is given to you. You just take and give nothing back in return. Time has caught up with you and now you will experience what most people experience, LIFE!
So the difference between you and I and the only difference is, I go down ALONE...I hurt no one but myself. you take people with you, I don't make anyone do anything they don't want to do. If I am gonna do it , I do it ALONE... We gain strength and inspiration from sharing our life lessons, as well as enriching the lives of others.
Missy if your reading, learn from others and see life through their eyes. One day you will understand, until then I will always love you. I tried to help you in the past with giving you and your daughter's a place to live. I gave you a chance to get on your feet without the struggles or worry for food and shelter. My kindness was once again unappreciated. You burnt me back then and now I open my arms once again to you, and for what, this is the last time. I said it before and I will say it again, people only do to me what I allow them to do...I am your cousin and I need to stand my ground. I told you no I won't have no part in it as I said numerous times before this explosion. My grandparents are no different and right now your life is on a path that can only get worse if you don't change things. All I can do is pray for you. I hate drama and seems drama surrounds you because you subject yourself with that environment.
Honestly, I have better things to do with my time.
I am a role model for my girls ....Maybe my way is not your way of living, which is okay.
I see myself as a unique individual and very much blessed in this life because I try to be the best person I can be and that includes toward people in general.....No matter what, I wont' judge...it is not my job and one day the man above will be looking at you....I won't allow you or anyone in my circle to ever take advantage or misguide me into a corner of no return.
I thank my past for making me ME!....
I hope one day my girls and grandchildren will follow my way.
I believe in one persons lifetime, you experience many life lessons. Some will experience them in a whole new way or learn things just in a different way and maybe through someone else but in all they will learn the lesson one way or another and in some way understand the moral behind my way of living as will be their way of living.... all in all we are the same.....Karma is a bitch ...
You can't run from karma cause it will one day catch up with ya.
Enough of that drama....It ends today.....
I am doing my best
to spread my time as much as I can here of late.
Hang with me for I got tons of updates coming your way.
I am so excited and looking forward to seeing what 2010 has in store for me.
I have my new grandson on the way, baby Wyatt. Oh the joy of life.... I will soon meet my bestie Niecie's bundle of joy. I am so happy. We all so deserve happiness!
Remember LIFE is what we make it.
Ron's oldest son is soon to be a daddy. Alex is due on the 26th of this month....Another boy...giggles...I am soon to also meet my great niece...She is my nephew brandon's soon to be daughter...I am waiting as patient as I can...lol
I best get my butt in gear. I have not been at my recipe forum as much as I would like. I did make a yummy chocolate cake and ladies if your watching your figure you have to try this new recipe. I am serious when I say it is heaven and it is a nice safe treat!....I hope to get it posted sometime this week..heh heh heh
Stay safe my friends and family and peace to all
Huggers with a smile
January 9, 2010
Saturday
What a year to remember! I am happy to say as of Jan 27th, 2010, is my one year anniversary to a smoke free new me...giggles
My last cig was at 9:pm that sweet and glory night. Believe me I wanted one but I got through each wants with a "do something 2 replace the habit"....it works for me :-)
I still crave when I smell it ...I just take it day by day and when it pops in my head I talk myself out of that thought and just go on with my business lmao
2009 was a very long year. A lot has happen and is happening. My biggest news is my Courtney will be 19 in a few months. My Amber is having another boy, baby Wyatt and I am so excited and interested to meet my newest grandbaby. I am also blessed with a new baby in my world. Little Miss Kayleigh was born on her "daddy" birthday, Dec 1. Ronnie, Ron's son is engaged to be married to Katherine whom is the mother of Miss Kayleigh, my new granddaughter. I miss you guys since you moved out of daddy's house.
Justin, Ron's oldest son is soon to be a dad. I am going to Alex babyshower tomorrow. They are expecting their new arrival January 26th, 2010. It's another boy...heh heh heh
I am waiting patiently for the celebration.
I plan to add 2008 and 2009 archives sometime this week I hope. We all know life has a way to get in the way of our fun time...lol
I am in the mist of getting this site cleaned up. I am sure most of you have noticed. Be most patient as it will take a lot of my itime to get things done.
Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and New Year, mine was a passion of thoughts.
Be true to yourself ;-)
Much l.ove
December 20, 2009
Sunday
I have so much to tell, where shall I start. I have big news, my Amber is having another baby. It's a boy!...My third grandbaby. She is naming him Wyatt. He is due to be here on April 19th 2010. I am so excited to have another grandson. I am not ready for a granddaughter yet. I know when she comes she will break the bank. Amber promised to try and have her in 3 yrs....giggles
We have a lot of snow. I decided to buy myself a huge xmas present this year since my 2007 Ford Fusion was totaled by a 4 point deer...may Buck rest in peace. Yes I had to name him.
I am so lucky that I decided to buy extra insurance when buyng my 07.. My gap insurance is paying off my loan. Go Me for using my brains.
I so deserve a new ride so decided to buy a 2010 Ford Escape limited 4WD.
I named him Blackie Night! Awesome ride!
See 2008-2009 to view pictures
My cousin Nicki just said to me a few days ago she wanted a white Christmas. We got it...lol
I am happy I bought my new toy. This whiteout is a memory to never forget. Life is good.
I wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a blessed New Year.
Go To Who is Vickie to Check out my 2007 Fusion photo's. Located @ Vickiewebsite.net. On November 17th, on my way back from Sam's club, a 4 point buck ran in my path. I was on I-81, 65mph interstate. My car was totaled at 11,500 in damages. Thank the good lord I bought extra insurance cause now I am able to be debt free once again. Then came along a great idea to buy my newest shiney toy, my SUV Blackie. See image above.
I had so much fun today playing in the snow. Honie and Ayla was having fun too. I just wish Buck the deer would have survived the accident. I feel so bad I killled a living breathing and beautiful creature. My happiness is coming with a huge price. RIP Buck!
I am working on a new and improved photo album. The old photo album link is still at your finger tips. See top of page link below. (Be patient for I have a lot to update)
http://www.vickiewebsite.net/My_Photo_Gallery.html
Have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year everyone.
Much Love, Vickie
